Rejecting God

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Reject God! Me? Never!

To date, this year has been fraught with troubles, not least of which has been my health.

My body has been lambasted with chemicals as my rheumatologist tried one medication after another to limit my immune systems’ attack on my body.  All this resulted in terrible side effects, up to, and including complete physical collapse on a few occasions.  I was taken off all medications to determine the next best course of action when my liver enzymes elevated to an unacceptable level.

Needless to say, my body is still wracked with chronic pain and stiffness (rheumatoid and osteoarthritis).

I give no apologies for my verbal rambling above.  Despair overtook weeks ago and I am in a daily battle to overcome depression.  I’ve attended many pity-parties during the summer and fall months.  None helped.  I’ve asked God to take away the gloomy thoughts.  Typically, I whine to Him about my condition and my self-imposed isolation from everything.   ‘Why have you turned away from me? I ask God. ‘Why don’t you help?  I’m so tired of pain and fatigue’.

Oh, what a pain I have been despite committing myself to my daily prayer time, I felt empty and blamed God.

It never occurred to me that I was rejecting God while I whined.  ‘Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Today, I was prompted to do something different.  Looking through my (many) books I found one on devotions for writers.  I misinterpreted it as being a book that would help me return to writing them myself, instead, I discovered it contained inspirational messages for writers.  (A God thing was happening here).

My attention was drawn to the passage ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’  (Psalm 46:10)

‘Yeah, yeah, I thought, as my glum emotions reacted to the words.  ‘I know, I’ve read that before!’  But, as I pondered the words I realized that my mental attitude had been effectively shutting God out.  He will not be found where there is darkness.  I was rejecting Him, while immersed in my self-pity.  So, here I am, despite the ongoing health challenges and other unexpected events, attempting to direct my thoughts onto a better path.  In effect, centering on God and away from the deep, dark emptiness of depression.

‘Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light for my path.’ (Psalm 119:105)

Funny, how, after months of wasting energy, this one effort has energized me.  Oh, I’m still fatigued and in pain, but my spirit has been lifted and I am thankful.

God is always available.  He will listen to whatever you have to say.  He accepts you just as you are, no matter what you have done, but He will always step aside when we decide to live life our way.  He is not turning away.  He is waiting to be wanted and loved.

Where is your life leading you?  What small step can you take to change direction?

Nothing changes until you decide you want it to happen.

Perhaps, it’s time to stop rejecting life and start living it.

Patricia

 

 

 

 

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